Healing a Broken Heart

Grief and heartbreak: the two are inseparable. Right now, following the death of your loved one, it feels as if your heart is – to one degree or another–broken. There are times when the heartache is unbearable and other times when you don’t even think you can get out of bed. So, what can you do to help yourself heal?

You begin healing, not by doing everything you can to avoid the pain of grief; but by focusing your attention on the task of mourning. And because grief work is hard, you’ll need to rest whenever you can. Through this cycle of attentive mourning, you can find your way through your grief, healing your broken heart along the way.

There are some basic tenets about mourning you should always keep in mind. The first is this: your grief, and the nature of the grief work you’ll need to do, is uniquely yours. There are four factors shaping your bereavement experience:

You can see how those factors work to make your bereavement experience different from that of others. This uniqueness means you should never compare your grief to anyone else’s: it’s “apples to oranges” as folks say. There’s no benefit in comparison, so avoid it altogether. (You can listen to–and learn from–what other grievers have to say; just don’t “compare”.) Remember to take things “one day at a time” and stay in the present moment as much as you can. Don’t slip into the past for very long, and don’t look too far into the future.

Here are some other suggestions for attentive mourning:

weekly chat with a friend, time spent with your pastor; or it may be prudent to join a grief support group, either online or in-person. Contact us for information on local support groups.

Expect the unexpected. Some describe mourning as an emotional “roller coaster ride”. Expect to feel things like fear, relief, anger or guilt; you might even find yourself feeling nothing: you’re numb. Expect to be confused, forgetful and disorganized in your thinking. There’s no predicting how you’ll feel from minute to minute, so don’t even try. Instead, do your best to learn from these emotions. You also should expect to feel “grief bursts” – overwhelming surges of emotion–at unexpected times. No matter how odd your emotions may seem, always remember it’s a normal and healthy expression of your grief.

Stay focused, but remember your limits. Grieving is both mentally and physically tiring. When you feel you can’t take any more, back off. Get rest, eat well, and cancel or reschedule what appointments you can. 

Don’t isolate. All you may want to do right now is to shut everyone out, but this would be counter-productive. Instead, have a modified “open door policy”: allow caring, compassionate people into your life, but exclude those who are less able to be the kind of support you need now. And remember, when you need to take a “time out”, it’s really okay to ‘lock’ your door so you can rest.

Use ritual to make your grieving a sacred experience. Personal rituals which engage the senses – such as the lighting of a candle, beginning or ending the day with a calming yoga practice, journaling or other creative endeavors, even the ritualized use of essential oils–do much to affirm the sacred nature of the transition you’re going though as well as affirm the otherworldly connection you still have with the deceased.

Turn to your faith. If you have a religious background, this is not the time to neglect your spirituality. While the death of your loved one may cause you to doubt your beliefs for a time, or even force you to change your beliefs based on what you’ve experienced; revisiting your spiritual training can be useful to you right now.